The happiest time of your life? Don't get me wrong, I got the huge whoosh of endorphins when I first saw Willow. I'd never experienced anything like it before, the warmth that rushed over me. On the ward I didn't have a clue what I was doing. I was hooked up to various machines and hadn't slept for 24 hours. I was alone and nervous. If I slept would someone take my baby? I don't know why but I didn't feel safe.
I couldn't remember coming onto the ward and I couldn't remember the locked doors. My legs were numb, I had a catheter in and I felt really helpless. I called the midwives to pass me my baby and I think I stayed awake most of the day. My sister was so excited and wanted to come and see us, but I wasn't excited in the slightest. I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't feel well and I burst into tears when anyone mentioned my labour. I asked her not to come, of course she was disappointed but she understood.
Willow had ingested meconium and had an infection. Various professionals came to see me and wanted to take her to nicu for tests throughout the day and night. I was in bits and didn't trust these people, I didn't know them and they wanted to take my baby. My mum went with her so I knew Willow would be safe. She ended up having a lumbar puncture and they said her infection markers were high and we had to stay in for a while. I was so exhausted and felt trapped, I just wanted some sleep but I couldn't, I was offered strong pain relief to help me relax but I was too scared to take it because I didn't want to falls asleep. The midwives were absolutely amazing and really helped me through what felt like a week but it had only been 3 days.
They informed me on the Wednesday that Willows infection had subsided with IV antibiotics. We were allowed to go home.....I was nervous but all I wanted was my bed. I didn't realise how unwell I was until I returned home without the 1:1 care. I wasn't able to cope....
To be continued
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